I always love my time at KAMR Studio 4 and the topics I get to share with our community. Yesterday’s topic was “Mean Girls”. Maybe you know the girls I am talking about here. Much like the move “Mean Girls”, girls can be hurtful to each other. They spread rumors, give the silent treatment, leave others out, etc. Well three minutes was not enough time to say all that I prepared so I am sharing it here. If you or your family have been affected by “Mean Girls” I hope this will help with some understanding and give you somewhere to start in dealing with them.
Parents of tweens and teens this is for you. How many of you have been thankful that smartphones and social media were not around, or as easy to access, when you were a teen or young adult? I know I myself have said on many occasions that I am glad they weren’t. It seems like one of the biggest difference between when I was a teen and today is technology; smartphones for pictures and videos that can be texted out in a matter of seconds or uploaded to numerous apps like Instagram, Snap Chat, or Musically. With one click a teens life can be destroyed. Sadly, our youth do not have the luxury of making mistakes privately as so many mistakes can be made public so quickly. Most days I don’t think about it too much, but then there are days when something happens, and I realize how dangerous and heartbreaking it can be when social media is used to emotionally harm youth. We have become so accustom to apps and text that we even let our young children have access, often unmonitored.
Now add in cliques. We have all had some experiences with cliques. Sometimes we were part of one, other times we were the outsider looking in. Either way, we can recognize that many of the clique members were at some point mean. They were mean to their “friends” and mean to outsiders. In 2018, often this includes social media or texting.
So, what is it about cliques that make youth so mean. Lisa Damour, author of Untangled: Guiding Girls through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood describes this process as girls separating form their family to “join a new tribe.” This tribe will become their everything and once in their survival depends on bonding with the tribe. Teens become fearful of being cast out of the tribe and will act in a way to be accepted by their tribe, at times being mean to others or watching in silence as other tribe members are mean. Another factor is brain development. Because tween and teens brains are not yet fully developed, they lack the insight adults must recognize the situation and act against it. This often leads the girls, even the nice ones, doing or saying something that is “out of their character.” Since girls are separating from their parents they don’t often offer this information to parents willingly and there is a chance parents have no clue what is going on.
It is important to understand that not all girls are mean and nasty, not all belong to a clique, and not all cliques are mean. However, in or out, all girls will be affected by the actions of cliques because their behaviors are all around them.
So, what do we do. As caring and loving parents you must act and teach your daughter a few skills. Here are a few that I focus on in our Healthy Relationships groups.
- Start by teaching your child the importance of kindness and empathy. Help them to construct plans for dealing with their own feelings or thoughts of jealousy, insecurity, frustration with their peers, etc. so that they don’t respond impulsively. Help them learn from their mistakes so that they don’t make the same mistakes repeatedly. Teach them to stand up for others, how to see moments coming and distract, and how to find different ways to help people who are being excluded. Linda Stade from Santa Maria College in Western Australia shares the idea of teaching youth how to be “upstanders, distracters, and supporters.
- Parents, take a look at your relationships. Our kids are always listening, and they learn best from us, like it or not. Recognize how you as a parent treat other and what you say has a huge impact on how your children will do the same. Be a good friend. Be a good role model.
- We know our kids. Or at least we think we do. As they begin joining their new tribe they may not be so upfront with information. In fact, most parents are shocked to find out their child was the one being mean. Just keep it in mind that our kid can be the mean kid too.
- Find ways to stay engaged with your teen. Inquire about your child’s life. Ask questions that are not too personal but leave the door open to more conversations. Start by asking what they think of cliques or mean youth at their school. Let them lead the conversation from there. A great opportunity to talk is while you are driving in the car or as they help you prepare dinner. Sometimes it is easier to have conversations if they are forced to sit down and look you directly in the eye. Make it more comfortable.
- Okay, here is a big one. One that I work on too. Don’t try and fix the problem for them. Instead describe behavior that you respect and help your child come up with a plan that she can follow through with.
- Monitor social media and cell phone activity. Develop a good understanding of the apps on their smart devices and know how to check messages on apps and social media. Read text messages and conversations your child is sending. If your child is active on social media, make sure you follow them and are checking it regularly. Better yet, make a condition of social media include that you get the username and password to all social media accounts. Then check them regularly.
- Never condone aggressive behavior!!! Don’t chalk it up to “girls being girls,” it will encourage youth to continue the mean behavior.
- Finally, Parents lets band together. If another parent comes to you, stay calm and listen. It may not be your kid, then it again it may. Keep the communication open with other parents. They may know more about your child then you do, and vice versa. Work together.
Friendships can be challenging, but with a few skills and awareness youth can navigate through them. Awareness may be one of the best gifts you can give your child. We are responsible for the choice we make, let your child know that standing up for others, being the “mean girl”, and watching as a friend is mean are all choices. We live with our choices and actions every day. Let’s teach our youth how to make choices that are kind and understanding towards others.
I offer summer groups on Healthy Relationship Skills. These groups are broken down by age groups and best for girls ages 11-17. Groups are made up of 6-10 girls similar in age and meet for 1 ½ hours every week for 6 weeks. Cost is $20 per group. We also offer additional counseling and group sessions for anxiety, depression, social skills, managing life situations, stress, and trauma. If you have a daughter that might be interested in attending one of my groups check out my website acampbellcounseling.com for more details. You can always contact me directly at 806-382-5822 or acampbellcounseling@gmail.com
Thanks to the following resources for their articles on “Mean Girls”.
Jenny Anderson’s The Art of Parenting, September 25, 2016 https://qz.com/791117/there-is-a-psychological-term-for-what-mean-girls-do-to-each-other-relational-aggression-says-linda-stade/
Great Schools Staff (http://www.greatschools.org/gk/author/greatschoolssaff/) www.greatschools.org/gk/articles/why-are-those-girls-so-mean/